Pisces Is a Lie

“We have been shamed and mischaracterized for too long,” said one disgruntled Pisces when I asked her about her relationship to our besmirched sign. “This whole ‘Pisces are irresponsible dreamers who can’t do real adult life’ thing is wrong!” (She classed Geminis on the other hand as “the real villains of the zodiac.”)

“While I am creative,” offered another, “I’m also a stone-cold bitch.”

We were legion—we well-adjusted Pisces. I wanted justice for us. So I emailed a generic email address associated with Susan Miller, right as Pisces season was ending. I’m too scared to reread the email now, which has to be described as a rant. But I do recall expressing the many issues I had with the toxic Pisces name.

Within 24 hours, a assistant emailed me back telling me Susan Miller wanted to speak. I was feeling bold and had been getting push alerts that were threatening my nerves, so I decided to go for it. When she picked it up, I explained that the sign was false advertising. Libelous! I didn’t understand it and I didn’t accept it. I demanded a complete accounting.

“You have the wrong idea,” she said, her tone grave, after I’d finished. She’d read the email I’d sent and it rendered her “speechless.”

“I didn’t even know where to begin,” she said. It was all a huge mistake, she told me—an amateurish misapprehension of the stars.

“Forbes said that there are more Pisces billionaires—and also Virgo, the opposite sign—than all other signs,” Miller said. “That’s just statistics.” What some less skilled stargazers interpreted as a kind of aimless dreaminess obscured the fact that Pisces are some of our most creative and flexible people. We are passionate!

Miller believed that the bewilderment about Pisces’ true nature could be chalked up to a misunderstanding over the role that Neptune—God of the Seas, are we still following?—has in its actions. Neptune—ruler of Pisces, let’s just go with it—also controls the subconscious. “You ask Pisces, ‘Where did you get that great idea?’ They kind of look at you and say, ‘I don’t know, actually,’” Miller said. “And they really don’t know! Because they’re taking bits and pieces of the world and linking them together to create something entirely new. That is the most creative sign of the zodiac, because of Neptune.”