There are many stresses that come with living in the 21st Century. It’s no wonder it often takes a toll on our mental health. That’s why we’re always looking for ways to feel better.
According to Her World’s Health & Wellness Report 2022, 65% consider themselves somewhat mentally healthy and 43% feel like they are pretty balanced when managing it. However, there are some challenges in the way – 51% are inclined to try to resolve their problems before asking others for help, while 32% don’t know what they can do to resolve their problems. And 30% aren’t sure how serious their mental health issues are.
It is easy to improve our mental health by learning to say no. Many people find it hard to say no to invitations or decline help from someone they need.
Alliance Counselling’s Dr Natalie Games is a clinical psychologist. She believes that this is a problem that women face more. Society encourages us to say yes to being generous to our wives, mothers, daughters, friends, and sisters, while also ensuring that we have a successful professional career. However, this isn’t good for our overall wellness.
“If we continue to say yes, we are headed for a life of burnout, exhaustion and resentment from saying yes too often when we would rather say no,” Dr Games explains. “Actually, when we say no, we can create more mental health stability, as we assess what is important to us and helps us with self-care and building self-esteem and confidence by setting boundaries.”
If we keep saying yes, we will be heading for burnout, exhaustion, and resentment because we say yes too often when we would prefer to say no.
While saying no can make you feel empowered, it can also help you maintain a healthy relationship with others. It helps you set healthy boundaries and allows others to be clear about what they can expect.
Dr Games shares a quote by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of the New York Times bestseller, Boundaries: “The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you.”
“I help my therapy clients implement these skills in their lives, as I have witnessed how a lack of emotional boundaries and chronic people-pleasing is at the root of many clients’ anxiety, depression and family problems,” says Dr Games.
Is it difficult to say no?
Unfortunately, it’s harder for some people to say no. Dr Games says sometimes society and different cultures teach us that the word ‘no’ can be impolite and inconsiderate. Therefore, we may feel more obligated to agree to do things we honestly do not want to do, in order to be socially accepted, seek other’s approval or please others.
Young professionals and high achievers have a tendency towards believing that saying yes makes you better. Dr Games points out that there’s just as much power in a wise no as there is in an enthusiastic yes.
No is the most basic word for defining boundaries. It allows others to know that you exist apart of them and that they are in control of your life.
Fear can also cause you to say yes. You may ask yourself, what if I say no to that extra project at work or if I say no to chairing that committee and I’m never offered the opportunity again? What if I say “no” and it changes my perception of myself? What if people think I said no because I’m incapable of taking it on? If that sounds familiar, Dr Games says you’re not alone.
Respect your boundaries
People’s reaction to you saying no to them could also have a bearing on why you don’t say it. They might react with anger as they can’t understand why you would refuse them. However, it’s crucial if you’ve said no that maintaining your boundary will be an important learning point for that person too.
Dr Games offers some suggestions for what to do if someone violates your boundaries with anger.
- Recognise it’s not your problem that the person is angry at you for setting boundaries.
- Realistically view anger. Anger is a feeling that you feel inside of the other person. It cannot ‘get inside’ you
You must not allow it. Let the anger be with the other person. - Don’t let anger get in the way of your ability to do something. People who have no boundaries respond
They automatically respond to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, and get angry. - Your support system should be in place. You can set limits with your support system.
person and you’re concerned they may respond with anger, talk to the people in your support
Plan first. Know what you will say. Plan ahead and anticipate what the person will say.
Your response. - Keep calm. Remember to breathe and focus on walking your why – why you decided to say no
and why that’s important for you. Do not let anger get to you. - Be ready to physically distance yourself from others who enforce consequences.
Source: Her World