What To Do When You Feel Stuck in a Dating Rut

Dating in 2021 isn’t easy with the constant swiping, failed talking stages, and ghosting—it’s hard to find any hope that you may find someone someday. Trust me, it’s all real. I know what it’s like to be back on dating apps, trying to find a real partner. It can be frustrating when you have another bad date or someone you were talking to suddenly stops reading you. I always tell my friends that I’ve been on so many bad dates, I could write an entire novel about it.

Being stuck in a “dating rut” is definitely not fun. If you also are starting to feel like you’ve been on too many countless first dates that don’t go anywhere, you’re not alone. Although it may feel like it right now, being stuck in a dating rut won’t last forever. Keep scrolling to find out the signs you may be stuck in a relationship rut.

Signs that you may be stuck in a relationship rut

1. You’re dealing with a lack of confidence

If you feel hopeless about your dating life, this is a sign that you may be stuck in a dating rut. You might begin to think that you’re the reason you’re not getting any dates or meeting anyone special. Once you lose confidence in yourself, it’s harder to even think there is any point in dating at all. This could lead you to be less selective when it comes to choosing who you’re going on a date with, which could be why you keep going on so many first dates with people who just aren’t worth your time.

2. You’re overly discouraged by rejection

Of course, rejection never feels good, but if you’re getting discouraged to the point that it’s seriously affecting your self-esteem instead of knowing that you won’t be compatible with every person you go on a date with? You may be suffering from dating fatigue. Rejection is hurtful (especially when it’s in the form of ghosting) and it can cause some people to feel  negative about both dating and themselves. Therefore, you may be tempted to give up on dating in general because you don’t want to have to go through getting rejected again. 

3. You avoid going out on dates and meeting other people.

On the flip side, you could also feel “stuck” in a dating rut if you’re avoiding dating altogether. Since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I’ve done so much healing and gotten super self-reliant. It made me shy away from dating because I didn’t want to get hurt again. I stopped going out with people I knew and turned down dates. I kept saying, “What’s the point? All men are the same anyway!” But being afraid of dating isn’t any better than going on hundreds of failed first dates. 

What’s the solution to escape a dating rut?

1. Reframe rejection 

So you’ve been on a couple of dates and the two of you hit it off. Then, suddenly, they stop responding. Does this sound familiar? Of course it feels hurtful, but you can reframe any kind of rejection in a way that won’t hurt your confidence or self-worth. For example, if someone ghosts me or tells me they’re not interested, I may feel a little upset, but then I tell myself that they just weren’t the person for me. Just because one person doesn’t like you doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; they just weren’t meant for you. You might also be tempted to stop responding or ghosting someone. It may take a while for you to meet the right person, but for every rejection you go through (or every frog you have to kiss), you’re one frog closer. 

2. Take a little break from dating

Sometimes, when you find that things aren’t working, taking a step back (temporarily) can help, especially when your dating rut is causing dating burnout. “Taking a break from dating to focus on other facets of your life can be helpful and rewarding,” suggested Ashera DeRosa, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist. “Going on dates can feel like a lot of pressure. Finding a hobby or group activity can widen the pool of potential matches.” Try out something you’ve always wanted to do or focus on doing more of the things that make you happy. You can also use the break to think about what you’re actually looking for in a potential partner. That way, when you’re ready to go on another date, you know the type of person that you want in your life.

3. Validate yourself

Many people look for validation from others without realizing it. This is why dating can be so frustrating. Swiping right for external validation isn’t going to make you feel better about yourself in the long run. We need to learn to look within for validation. I validate myself by saying things that I wish others could hear. For example, if I’m hoping that someone could reassure me that I am beautiful, I will repeat the affirmation “I am beautiful” to myself. Affirmations can be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but as you keep repeating something to yourself, you’ll start to believe it more and more. Validating yourself will actually make you feel more confident—without the approval of anyone else.

4. Be realistic and flexible in your expectations

As an avid reader of romance novels and a lover of all rom-com movies, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic who had unrealistic expectations for a partner. Yes, we’d all love to be in a relationship with Harry Styles, but it isn’t necessarily realistic. “We may be dating because we are looking to find a lifelong partner, but when we go on every date with the hope that they might be ‘The One,’ it’s likely we will feel disappointment on a regular basis,” explained Janet Park, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Healing Phoenix Therapy. PSA: Statistically speaking, not everyone you go on a first date with is going to be “The One,” and that’s OK. We have to go on dates, not with the expectation of finding the “perfect” lifelong partner but instead with the goal of getting to know someone new. Instead of setting high expectations, approach every date with the goal of getting to know someone new. 

5. Get to know you better

Dating is a valuable way to learn about another person and ourselves. “Through the dating process, you have the opportunity to further identify what works or doesn’t work for you in a relationship,” Park said. “It often takes going through an experience with someone else to recognize your needs, boundaries, and deal breakers in a partner.” If you notice a quality that you don’t like in a person or if they didn’t respect your boundaries, then you have more insight on your next date or your next relationship. Every first date or situationship is successful because it gives you an idea of what will make you happy, even if your date doesn’t.

6. Ask a friend or family member to set it up 

Dating apps can be exhausting. If you’re tired of swiping or meeting people through a screen, ask for some help from a family or friend. Your loved ones know you better that a detailed dating profile. They might have someone they think would be the perfect match for you. Set-ups can be scary, but they could also be a great way to meet new people, even if it doesn’t work out.