These Are the Relationship Standards You Shouldn’t Compromise On (and Which You Can Skip)

Countless times on my journey to love, I’ve heard the statement: “You have to higher your standards.” After my go at a handful of toxic relationships, I knew I needed to level up my relationship standards, but I didn’t think that was possible. I was living with extremely low self-worth and couldn’t imagine that someone with everything I wanted would possibly be interested in me. But I later realized that my concept of standards was entirely twisted, and wanting someone who was outrageously beautiful, had a salary quadruple mine, went kayaking and ran five miles a day, was an activist for social justice, was good with kids, was even better in bed, and somehow, also liked me wasn’t what everyone was talking about when they said “standards.”

Bela Ghandi, dating and relationship expert and founder of the Smart Dating Academy, believes that standards are all about what we will “accept” and the shared values and goals people have in a relationship. When you think of your standards as shared values you want to have with a partner, it’s much easier to see why the concept of “lowering your standards” is antiquated as hell. Standards can also be how you want to be treated, which is a wildly different concept than the shallow ways we’ve always thought of having “high standards.”

Ghandi explained that due to movies, romance novels, the media, and more, we’re hardwired to fail at finding a partner, aptly explaining that our relationship pickers are practically dead at this point. We talked about what standards you should be looking for in a partner to help you understand your limitations.

What Relationship Standards Should You Always Have

They’re not offensive

It’s obvious, but setting this as a standard of what you will accept and the values you hold is important. While political opinions may not be as important as your preferences, your values are hard to compromise on. So, if you meet someone on an app and they say something sexist, racist, xenophobic, or any other gross “ist,” let them know your value, and don’t be afraid to move on until you meet someone who agrees. 

Respect

Respecting you and treating you well is the foundation of any good relationship. However, we often neglect it in favor more trivial standards. “So often when we keep accepting crumbs from people, we look at crumbs as the whole pie; we don’t even know the difference anymore,” Ghandi explained. When you begin to see standards as the way you expect to be treated in relationships, you realize how low they may have been in the past. 

They want the exact same thing as you.

You need to know what you want and what you’re looking for. If you’re not sure yet, no biggie. But if you’re looking for marriage and kids, you have to be open and honest about that and make it a standard that you’ll look for people who are looking for the same thing. “Make sure early in the game this person wants the same things long-term that you do,” said Ghandi. ““Otherwise, people settle, and they settle for people who don’t give [them]They want what they want for the long-term. [Then], we burn lots of time and lots of love-energy on the wrong people.” 

Maybe you’re not looking for marriage and kids yet, but you have other plans for yourself. Do you want to live in the center of the city or do you want to move to the suburbs for the long-term? Do you prefer to travel or to explore your home area? Are you more frugal or a spender? It is important to get down to the details. While you and your partner don’t need to be completely aligned on everything, if something is important to you, that should be explored and nailed down as early as possible. 

They’re willing to take things slow

While there’s nothing wrong with a whirlwind romance, you shouldn’t set out to become exclusive with someone after just a few dates, Ghandi suggested. You can’t catch someone’s red flags in just a few dates, so you need to take time and build up a connection rather than rushing into something. “We research cars and houses and neighborhood and schools way more than we research people,” Ghandi said. “You’re dating the representative of the person in the beginning. It takes time to really know what someone’s like. 

If you want someone who is reliable, a good friend, is respectful, and kind, it’ll take more than three dates to ascertain, Ghandi added.

What Relationship Standards are to Discredit

Preferences for appearance

Ghandi said that in surveying thousands of women about their dream guy, the first word that the majority of women say is “tall.” There’s a common misconception that standards and preferences are the same thing. When you want someone who is tall, for example, that’s a preference. Obviously, it’s important to be attracted to the person you’re dating, but you’re limiting your dating pool when you focus so heavily on specific aspects about someone’s appearance, especially when you’re willing to skimp on your values over them.

Turn-offs, pet-peeves, and other turn-offs

We’ve all been there: you’re on a date, and someone’s breath smelled absolutely wretched. Maybe their style wasn’t the best. Maybe they spoke a little too loud. If we make small, personal pet-peeves about people into our standards, we can miss out on a lot of opportunities to be great partners. How often do you find your best friends doing things that are annoying? I’m going to guess pretty often. If you decide to write someone off for their breath, clothes, or other trivial issues, you are setting yourself up for many failed dates.