I remember making cookies for everyone at work when I was 23 years old. It was part of my holiday gift. I made seven different kinds of cookies for each of the 13 employees, and needless to say, the team was impressed with my mad baking—and I’d like to think time-management—skills. When I went up to the accounting office, I boldly made the proclamation that I was practicing to be an all-star mom—you know, the one who makes the best chocolate chip cookies and is super fun, so all the kids would want to come over and play.
Now don’t get me wrong, being a mom wasn’t my only goal or dream. There were also career goals, health goals, and all the other things that come with being a perfectionist type. But the expectation was that I would achieve all of these things with someone else, with the loving feeling that comes with a family.
That was in 2011. Today, I’m certainly not baking cookies for all the kids. In fact, I’m not baking cookies for any kids.
When I look back at my childhood self, my high school self, my college self, and even my 5-years-ago self, I didn’t think I would be writing an article about being single—and I Definitely didn’t think I’d be living in New York in a shared apartment with the very few things I own. Instead, I imagined myself married with kids, living alone in a home, and being the best cookie-baking, badass mom on the block.
Whether that was a timeline I gave myself based on idealized expectations, memories of the past, or what I actually wanted, I’m not sure. I think we’re constantly evolving as people and coming into our own, and as that happens, what we thought we wanted (sometimes for the wrong reasons) versus what we actually want becomes a bit blurry.
I, like many others, love the feeling of being in a relationship. I love to see people fall in love. I love the sense of family that comes along with having that “person.”
But here I am 31, and I’ve never…
- Taken a “date-date” to a wedding.
- Been a “date-date” to a wedding.
- A shared apartment with a significant person
- Had blowout fights that led to passionate, loving make ups
- Had someone to share my workday with
- Been able to spontaneously grab after-work drinks with a guy that I’m not just getting to know from Bumble or Hinge
- Had really difficult conversations with my wife and I was willing to open myself up.
- In my adult years, I had my heart broken.
- Are you unhappy with your life?
And as you ladies in a relationship might think be thinking “wow, what a dream,” the reality is that I’ve never done any of these things because not only am I single right now, but I’ve been single for the better part of the past eight years. Sure, I’ve had little flings here and there, but nothing that’s given me the full invested, committed relationship experience. These include unconditional support and compromise.
During those eight years, I’ve watched friends fall in love, get married, have babies—and while I’m a big believer that you are where you’re supposed to be and that everything happens for a reason, I’ve started thinking more about my singledom. There are always two sides to every story. The good and bad.
I’ve read so many articles and books empowering single women to own it and why it’s actually amazing—that’s all well and good, but when you’re the single one, it’s not always so glam.
I can’t deny the ways that I’ve benefited from being single:
- I’ve traveled somewhere awesome with almost every single one of my best friends (and solo!)
- I am passionate about the things I do.
- I’m independent and can hold my own; I love doing things alone
- My friendships are many, and they run deep
- I’d like to think I’m pretty self-aware
- I can do what I want, when I want it.
- I’m living an amped-up version of “treat yourself”
- I spend my time learning new skills
- I don’t fight over the remote
But at the end of the day, as humans, we’re hardwired to be intimately connected to other people. We’re supposed to find companions and fall in love. Studies show that those who are in relationships are healthier.
So real talk: yeah, being single can be great, but let’s talk about why it’s really f’ing hard to be and how I’ve learned to manage emotions around because sometimes it makes me feel really sad.
Wondering “What’s Wrong With Me?”
This is probably my most difficult part. I always think there’s something wrong with me. I’ve been on awful dates where the guy was rude or had expectations of me that I wasn’t ready for, and I left the date feeling like it was me.
I’ve also dated some really amazing guys—you know, the ones that got away. I constantly wonder “How did I let that happen?” Hindsight is 20/20.
Plus, that comment when you go home for Thanksgiving, “how are YOU single?” Doesn’t help. “Thanks, Jim, I’ve been asking myself that for the past eight years.”
I Feel Embarrassed
It sucks to always be the single one, and when people express their sympathy for me that I haven’t found “the one,” it sucks.
Dating requires energy
Dating can be really fun… until it’s not. Looking for “the one” at 31 is a commitment. It involves online dating, not just sitting in your bed every night, and lots of bars. I am a creature that needs comfort. I love being social and going out. I love taking care of someone and curling up at home, but that’s not really an option when you’re single and want a relationship.
It’s Confusing
I’m a big fan of going out on great dates with great guys. I think a first date should be a pretty easy one—you’re just getting to know each other and have a lot to talk about. But where do we draw the line between physical and emotional chemistry? What is the minimum amount you should be able to afford? What should you expect when you’re online dating? It’s hard to decipher your feelings especially if you start to lose trust in your taste in men.
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T (you know what that means?)
I have become fiercely independent. I find it difficult to ask for help or let people help me, and I tend to take on too many tasks. With this independence is the ability to do whatever I want, whenever I want—which is both a blessing and a curse. Learning to compromise is a skill, and sometimes I fear that I’ve lost this ability.
Self-Love Doesn’t Come Easily
Self-love is hard. Sometimes, you want someone to hug you at the end of the day and tell you it’s going to be OK. You want someone you love to tell you that those jeans make you look good and that you deserve the promotion more than anyone else. When you’re single, even when you have the best of friends, this security system and unconditional love doesn’t exist, so you have to work to build it yourself, and sometimes you just don’t love yourself.
You’re Not Your Friends’ Priority
I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it’s the truth. Sure, you’re one of their priorities, but their husbands, their S.O., and their children are a higher priority. My friends are seriously the BEST at making friend time high on their to-do list, but it’s hard when they’re not available and you have to plan your weekend nights months in advance.
Loneliness
Loneliness is on the rise in America, which is ironic because we’re so digitally connected. There’s an inverse relationship between technology and in-person, human connection. Being single is really lonely and isolating at times, and for me, as I crave something that feels so far out of reach, it heightens the emotions of loneliness like it’s never going to happen.
You are now protected
Ever been ghosted? I have. I’ve been ghosted at every stage in the dating process, and I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve been a ghoster too. In the past two years, I made a commitment to be more open and honest with the people I’m dating—whether it’s one date or five. We’re human, and we deserve to be treated with respect.
It hurts to think someone might not reciprocate your feelings, only to never hear from them again (and it’s scary to think you might hurt someone else!). As we age, we become more comfortable with the dating scene and find it harder to be vulnerable, have fun, and be intimate.
So, single women: How do you deal with the difficult emotions that accompany being single? When everyone says it will happen when you least expect it, how do we stop hoping our carts will bump into “the one” at our next trip to Whole Foods?
It’s not easy, and I’m certainly not there—we’re learning together. For me, it’s been a lot of self-reflection: reading books, forcing myself outside my comfort zone, and letting go of my expectations just a little bit. Although it may seem like a lot, finding the right one can be a lot.
Since we’re setting a precedence of honesty, truth, and vulnerability here—yes, I want a relationship. I want both the good and the ugly, as well as the love, the fights and the compromise. Guess what? And guess what?
But there’s one last perk: I think I can now I can be an even better badass, cookie-baking mom and wife—because I know me, and I like me. I am aware that no relationship or person is perfect. However, I hope that with time and reflection, I will find the right person.
Source: The Every Girl