How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner, According to Experts

As someone who regularly writes and speaks openly about sex, I still find it one of the most difficult topics to bring up with a partner. Why is it so difficult to ask for what we desire sexually? Learning how to talk about sex with a partner isn’t something we’re taught in sex ed (not like it’d be nice to know that sex is pleasurable for women or anything). 

Psychologist and sex and dating coach Myisha Battle said that while “our culture tells us that talking about sex ruins the organic or spontaneous nature of sexual desire,” her experience with her clients has shown that this is certainly not the case. A healthy sex life can be crucial to a healthy relationship. But, what that looks like for each person is different. That is why it is so important for you to have open and honest communication about your desires, needs, and wants.

Why are we so afraid of speaking out about our sexual pleasures?

“Women are taught in society that speaking up for any reason is a negative,” said Dr. Kryss Shane, LSW, LMSW. “Women are also taught that wanting or enjoying sex makes a woman less desirable (it’s why terms like slut and whore are considered insults). When you put these teachings together, it’s no wonder a woman can feel fear in speaking up about wanting sex or wanting something specific during sex!”

“Many women are taught that the needs of others are more important than their own, and some are taught that sex is to please their partner,” said Dr. Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist. “For many, sex is a taboo topic even with their romantic partner(s).”

Many of us are afraid that if we bring up what we want, the other person won’t want it too, and they will ultimately then reject us because of it. Battle said “part of it is being vulnerable and part of it is practice.” The more we work on being open about sex with our partner, the more natural it will start to become. “You just have to keep doing it in small ways, and little by little, over time, it does get easier,” she explained.

Battle explained that when people “gather the courage and the strength to talk to their partners about what they really want, they are opening up for someone to actually give that to them.” And actually, “when they are at their most vulnerable is when they receive the biggest benefit.” In her practice, Battle often works with couples who haven’t had sex in months or have been having difficulty in that area, but when they have the conversations they’ve been avoiding, it actually opens up some of that “erotic energy,” and they start having sex again. Are you ready to talk?

How to start talking about sex with your partner

Discover what you are looking to achieve

Knowing what your desires are is the most important step in communicating them. If you don’t have a clear vision of what you want, how are you going to ask for it? If we have the confidence and assuredness in our needs, we’ll likely bring people into our life who are going to meet those needs or at least be open to hearing them.

Be positive

Battle advised that they discuss any must-haves in the early stages of a relationship and that they provide feedback early. She advised that positive reinforcement be used to lead. “If your partner does something that you like, make sure you express it to them,” she said, going on to say that some people even like a “debrief conversation” after sex to talk about what they liked and what they want to do next time.

“Approaching a long-term partner about sex can cause them to wonder if they’ve left you dissatisfied in the past,” Shane warned. “When approaching them, be mindful that they want to make you happy and they may have their own insecurities.”

Foreplay is a time to talk or talk during sexual sex

Certified sex therapist and clinical psychologist Dr. Kristie Overstreet recommended using foreplay as a time to talk, saying that you can “make it light and airy to test the waters.” I’m a big proponent of talking during sex too. You can say what you like about a topic right now.

If you are unsure whether to speak out loudly, you can guide your partner by using non-verbal cues. “If they are doing something you like, moaning can help your partner know you’re happy,” Shane explained. “If you want something different, place your hand over theirs and show them while continuing to kiss or rub on them so that it becomes a bit like ‘follow the leader’ without it being ‘here’s what you are doing wrong.’” 

For inspiration, turn to movies, television or podcasts

Shane and Overstreet suggested that if you are afraid to speak out, you could refer to a television program or movie. You could tell your partner you heard an article or listened to a podcast and then ask them their opinion. “You don’t have to ask them if they’ve done it before,” Overstreet said. You can simply ask them if they’ve ever thought of it or if it sounds interesting to them. 

Keep your overall communication health

Overstreet explained that in her experience, “couples that work on keeping their bond tight and healthy can bring this stuff up in the moment” and that it really depends on the type of relationship you are in. You may need to work on your communication if you are hesitant to bring up things even after many years together.

Shane cautioned that you should be open to the possibility that your partner may not be able to do this. “Remember that everyone grew up being taught things about sex and everyone has insecurities about their bodies and whether they are a pleasurable partner. By considering your needs and your partner’s, everyone can decrease the stress and increase the fun.”

Ask about each others’ fantasies

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: We need to start embracing our sexual fantasies. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your partner likely has a fantasy they have always thought about trying but have been too nervous to bring up. Ask your partner to share their dream with you. Asking about it doesn’t mean you have to do it (unless, of course, you want to!However, it opens up the possibility for them to ask about yours.

It’s never too late for you to have these conversations with your partner. Do your inner work. Get clear about what you want. Then, lead with positivity. Remember that communication can be both positive and negative. Listen to your partner and ask questions if they have a question. Be open to listening. Battle said these conversations are a great opportunity to “flex our communication skills and to practice being open in the interest of getting what we want.” And the way I see it, good sex is worth a difficult conversation. Needle said it best: “And what’s the worst that can happen? Because the best could be pretty damn good!”