Ever been hit by a pang of jealousy when your companion introduced up an ex in a dialog? Or while you scrolled via their Instagram and noticed an outdated photograph of all of them cherished up? Do you additionally ever end up making comparisons to their exes, feeling insufficient after doing so? Chances are you’ll be experiencing retroactive jealousy.
Whereas no one needs to continually take into consideration their companion’s exes — particularly if it’s one thing you fixate on and even perhaps really feel threatened by — we additionally get which you could’t assist feeling the way in which you are feeling. Properly, that’s why we’re right here, that will help you overcome this. We converse to Dr Elaine Yeo, a senior psychologist to search out out all about retroactive jealousy, and the way you or your companion can study to cope with it.
What’s retroactive jealousy?
Dr Yeo defines retroactive jealousy as jealousy over a companion’s romantic and sexual historical past, even when the folks concerned are now not within the image.
This could embody persistent and intrusive ideas a couple of companion’s previous or making comparisons with a companion’s ex(es). It could actually additionally imply doubting one’s companion, resulting in compulsive behaviour corresponding to checking their texts, social media, or whereabouts.
Retroactive jealousy may contain ruminating on lacking particulars, corresponding to imagining an idealised model of a companion’s previous, like one with exes who’re excellent, enticing and profitable.
What’s the distinction between regular jealousy and retroactive jealousy?
“Retroactive jealousy is particularly a fixation on (and feeling threatened by) a companion’s previous, versus feeling jealous about somebody or one thing occurring within the current,” Dr Yeo shares.
“For instance, you might really feel jealous in case your companion is presently in common contact with their exes. Within the case of retroactive jealousy, there’s often stable proof that these exes are now not a part of your companion’s current life, but you are feeling jealous about their very existence in your companion’s previous.”
What are some conditions the place one could really feel retroactive jealousy?
In essence, one could really feel retroactive jealousy upon studying that your companion has a romantic and sexual historical past, whether or not straight out of your companion or not directly via mates, household or social media, Dr Yeo says.
Dr Yeo lists some potential causes for retroactive jealousy:
Emotions of insecurity in a single’s present relationship: The worry of shedding your companion could result in fixation on how the companion appeared extra prepared or in a position to do the belongings you’re in search of with somebody previously.
Previous relational trauma: Corresponding to a historical past of betrayal, rejection, abandonment and even attachment points.
Low vanity: This, or the assumption that one is nice sufficient can result in comparisons with a companion’s exes, corresponding to pondering their ex is best wanting or extra profitable than your self.
Idealisation of 1’s companion or relationships: In different phrases, the assumption that one’s companion or relationship should be excellent. A historical past of a number of sexual companions, a previous affair, or maybe simply the existence of a romantic and sexual previous will be thought-about an unacceptable flaw.
How ought to I address feeling this fashion? How can I overcome this sense?
Dr Yeo says to note that you just’ve feeling retroactive jealousy, then mirror on why it’s arising for you. Have you ever been cheated on previously? Or perhaps you will have unhelpful beliefs about your self or your companion and relationships? Discovering the roots of your jealousy might help you determine what you should transfer ahead.
She additionally advises to give attention to the current. Discover methods to remain grounded within the current moderately than the previous, maybe via mindfulness workouts. Focus in your current relationship by creating optimistic reminiscences along with your companion and dealing on deepening the belief and emotional intimacy between the 2 of you.
“Acquire an understanding of your unhelpful beliefs and discover methods to reframe them,” Dr Yeo recommends. “For instance, for those who imagine you’re not adequate, take into consideration the place this thought got here from. Have you ever internalised this message from previous relational experiences — corresponding to a historical past of abuse or neglect, receiving solely criticism and no reward from mother and father, a historical past of bullying from friends, or a previous romantic companion having an affair)? How true is that this perception? Take into account why your companion is now not with their exes and has chosen to be with you, right here and now.”
For those who imagine your romantic companion should all the time be a virgin earlier than you, Dr Yeo suggests asking your self these questions: The place does this perception come from? What does the existence of your companion’s sexual historical past imply to you — as an example, does it maybe make you are worried about your individual sexual efficiency along with your companion? How rational is that this fear?
Moreover, she encourages you to withstand the urge to compulsively verify in your companion. As an alternative of giving in to your doubts and fears, occupy your thoughts with different lively, pleasurable actions that you just get pleasure from till the urge passes.
Lastly, talk along with your companion. If their behaviour is contributing to your insecurities concerning the relationship (corresponding to them showing extra emotionally distant), specific your emotions and collaborate with them in determining what adjustments may be wanted.
If it’s too difficult and you are feeling you want further assist, search skilled assist via particular person or {couples} counselling.
If my companion is experiencing this, how ought to I assist them address it or overcome it?
To assist your companion cope with your retroactive jealousy, Dr Yeo has a couple of ways:
Hear and validate their emotions of jealousy: The extra understood your companion feels, the better their sense of safety within the relationship. Remind your companion of the explanations you selected to be with them, particularly what you assume makes them adequate for you.
Spend high quality time: Spend high quality time with them and create optimistic reminiscences to assist them focus extra on the current.
Discuss it out: In the event that they share issues about how your behaviour could also be contributing to their insecurities within the relationship, pay attention, mirror and provide you with an answer to the issue with them. Ask them what they assume they want, and handle any frustration you might really feel within the second in order to keep away from changing into defensive. If this appears too daunting and you are feeling you want further assist, search skilled assist via particular person or {couples} counselling.
Take into consideration your individual psychological well being: Keep in mind that it’s alright to stroll away if in case you have tried each avenue which you could to assist your companion. Typically, an individual is probably not prepared, prepared or in a position to change presently. Therefore, it is crucial on your personal emotional and psychological well being to depart a relationship that’s now not wholesome for you.
Supply: Her World
