Some of us have dreamed for years about our wedding flowers. Others fantasize about elopement destinations, and wonder if a marriage certificate fits into their 10-year plan. Regardless of where you are on your dating journey (seriously though, how many ghosts is there out there?), it doesn’t matter.There are signs that Millennials are gaining more confidence in marriage. In fact, between 2008-2016, The divorce rate has dropped by 18%As Slate reported. We’re Marrying older—and perhaps more thoughtfully—and it’s paying off.
What are the signs experts can point out for those who choose to marry? Predicting a successful marriage? And for those of you who’ve recently walked down the aisleAre there conscious actions that we can focus on to ensure a long and happy marriage?
A quick Google search will yield random indicators, such as how much you spent. The engagement ring and the wedding to where you live, but I wantedTo dig into the real deal: the behaviors, emotions, and actions that you can work toward in your relationship.
Predicting success and failure in relationships
In 2004, before podcasts were seemingly everyone’s go-to listening, psychologist John Gottman went on NPR’s This American LifeParticipate in a series of four parts The Sanctity of Marriage.
Gottman, a marital researcher whose work spans decades, was tasked with discussing “what really happens in marriage,” giving the audience a 23-minute overview of his extensive research observing successful AndFailure marriages and where they diverge
Gottman created a formula that was 85% effective by following and interviewing 15 minute-long couples. Predicting marital happiness or divorce over a four-year period. He pointed to The Four Horsemen as the behavioral indicators that can break down relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—and thankfully, He offered an antidote to each of these.
What are the Four Horsemen of Marriage
1. Criticism
Analyzing the couples featured on the This American LifeEpisodeGottman explains how we react when we are criticized by our partner. Instead of getting upset, focus on the constructive criticism and a specific observation that focuses. Why? you’re upset and leads into a positive and productive conversation. Bring up the topic. even if it’s heatedIt is better to have a two-way conversation than launching a single-sided critique. This also helps avoid defensiveness. When you have a two-way conversation, it means that you both are taking responsibility for your own actions and being proactive about moving forward—a successful relationship takes two people working at it!
2. Don’t be inconsiderate
You mock them in front your friends, roll your eyes, and ignore their opinions. This one behavior can lead to a breakdown in a relationship because it makes it difficult to see the good in your partner. It is best to avoid it. You can practice gratitude and appreciation for all things, not just the big ones. Thank them for their efforts and say thank you.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is defined as “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack,” according to The Gottman Institute. It is often a counter-attack to blame. When you’re in the habit of being defensive, you’re constantly attacking your partner and placing blame on them—not you.
4. Stonewalling
You don’t discuss it, you don’t bring it up, and you don’t even care to fight about it. You simply avoid your partner altogether, even if you’re in the same room. What should you do? Recognize that you need time alone to process and let your partner know that you’re going to take a walk and collect your feelings. You can then return to a productive conversation.
Respect is everything.
Now you know which behaviors to look out for in your relationship and what actions to take instead. Respect is really what it all boils down to..
We all want our partner to show our appreciation, communicate fairly and be proud of us. The common thread is to build respect in our marriages, and in our partnerships.
Does respect guarantee that we’ll make it to our 50-year anniversary? No, but it does point us in the right direction, and with divorce rates falling for Millennials, it seems that we’re doing a pretty good job of practicing R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Source: The Every Girl
