Genesis Paras, a mother of two, announced to her friends and family via Instagram on Nov. 25 that she was having a baby girl.
“Everyone meet our little bat Harlow Phoenix Paras,” she wrote.
Announcements of baby are always a surprise. No one knows when the baby will be born. But this one was especially startling because Ms. Paras, 31, a stay-at-home mother in Anaheim, Calif., hadn’t told anyone outside of her parents and her husband’s parents that she was pregnant.
“My grandmother was like, ‘I am sorry. What? When? Where? How?’ She was the most shocked of anybody,” Ms. Paras said. “One of my best friends was mad at me. He was like, ‘Dude, why didn’t you tell me?’”
Ms. Paras had experienced trauma from previous pregnancies. She had miscarriages and a baby girl who died shortly after birth. Harlow is also her 2nd child. Covid added to the anxiety she already felt about being pregnant, and she didn’t want to jinx it. “With Covid and how pregnant women are so susceptible, the whole pregnancy I was terrified I was going to die or she was going to die,” she said. “I felt it was too good to be true.”
Although the pandemic increased her anxiety, it also gave an opportunity to avoid meeting anyone and share her news. Her unvaccinated son gave it to her the perfect excuse for staying at home and away form gatherings so that no one could see her growing belly.
“Keeping it a secret made my pregnancy so much more peaceful. I didn’t have to listen to people tell me it would be OK or to stop being scared,” she said. “I had my space to feel whatever I wanted, and I could stay in my own bubble.”
“I wish there was a way for women to be able to hide they were pregnant even without a pandemic,” she added.In prepandemic times most pregnant women, of course, didn’t have the luxury of deciding when they shared their news. They had to go work and social events and it was obvious when they started showing that they were pregnant.
Some women, especially frontline workers, still don’t have that choice. The pandemic has changed the reality for many others. Pregnant women can now keep their eyes off of their colleagues (if they work remotely) and their friends and family because socializing is so limited. With that comes the freedom to talk about their pregnancy when they are comfortable and when they feel it won’t harm them professionally or psychologically.
“Many of the women I have seen during the pandemic have chosen not to tell people they are pregnant until they feel ready,” said Katayune Kaeni, a psychologist who specializes in perinatal mental health. “The ability to keep it from other people because of Zoom has benefited a lot of people.”
This is especially true for women who are anxious or have suffered a loss of a pregnancy, such as Ms. Paras. “It can be incredibly stressful to field questions from people who have the best of intentions but don’t know how their questions are landing or how they can feel minimizing or insensitive,” Dr. Kaeni said.
Ms. Paras was also a recipient of unanswered advice and questions during her previous pregnancies. “Especially women of the older generation would ask me questions like, ‘Are you carrying twins?’ ‘Is the baby healthy?’” she said. “People who knew me would bring up my daughter or tell me everything was going to be OK with this pregnancy, when there is no way they could know that.”
“Those questions were stressful,” she said. “It was a lot better not having to interact with other people when I was pregnant during the pandemic.”
Other pregnant women are happy keeping their pregnancies secret to avoid being judged by others.
Fabulous Flores, a 30-year-old graduate student who lives in Absecon (N.J.), gave birth to a girl on May 2. She wasn’t married to her boyfriend at the time she got pregnant, so she was relieved that she didn’t have to tell her mom and deal with her disapproval at such difficult times.
“My mom would not be OK with me having a child out of wedlock, and I was afraid to tell her, so I was glad to put it off until I was ready,” she said. “Luckily my mom was very strict and stayed inside, and we did as well so no one had to see each other.” (Once the baby arrived, her mother got on board and is now a supportive grandmother.)
Ms. Flores also felt relieved not to have to show her changing body to other people: “I was so nervous that I would get huge and swollen and wouldn’t want people to see me,” she said. “Part of me was like, ‘Am I not attractive anymore because I am a mom?’ I was happy to not have to see people’s reactions.”
Dr. Kaeni pointed out that pregnant women face many body-image issues. “I can see how women don’t want the expectations from the people around them, that they are supposed to be happy and glowing and all that good stuff,” she said.
There are also professional concerns.
“Women are often reluctant to announce they are pregnant and not without good reason,” said Dina Bakst, a founder and co-president of A Better Balance, an organization that helps workers, especially mothers. “Bias against pregnant women and mothers continues to be rampant in the workplace, and this bias takes many forms. It can be intentional; it can be implicit, it can be unconscious, it can be structural.”
Ms. Bakst said that often when a woman announces she is pregnant, “stereotypes kick in that she is less committed to her job and less capable.”
She said she gets calls from women who announce that they are pregnant, and then get promoted or taken off a project that requires travel, late nights, or travel.
Not all pregnant women have the luxury to hide their stomachs online. A frontline nurse or a woman working in a factory can’t do their jobs remotely. And even if a woman can work remotely, she can’t keep her pregnancy a secret the entire time. In states with paid family leave — like New York — an employee is required to give 30 days advance notice if they intend to use paid maternity leave and other benefits.
However, women who have the option to keep their pregnancies private during the pandemic are finding many advantages.
Adrienne Alexander, 36, who works for a labor union in Chicago, couldn’t hide her pregnancy five years ago when she had her first daughter. “It was an election year, and I remember being in the campaign office wearing T-shirts and eating a lot of snacks,” she said. “It was way more visible.”
Her work environment changed dramatically after the birth of her second daughter, July 2020. “I wasn’t in the office, everything was happening via Zoom,” she said. “It was easy to hide. I had a computer stand, so you really couldn’t see my body, and I just didn’t stand up. If I did, I turned off the camera and readjusted.”
She shared her news with her immediate staff to prepare for her maternity leaves. But she found it refreshing that most of her other colleagues didn’t know. “It’s just easier to not answer people’s questions or for it to be the topic of conversation every single time,” she said. “I wanted to just focus on work and not talk about the challenges of being a mom during the pandemic. I didn’t want my identity to be about being a mom.”
There are some disadvantages to keeping a private pregnancy.
Ms. Paras explained that it can feel lonely without anyone to help. “I felt like I needed advice sometimes dealing with a toddler and being pregnant,” she said. “There were times I felt I needed to vent to someone or tell someone I had a lot of anxiety. But I am still glad I didn’t tell anyone. It was the easier of two evils for me.”
Dr. Kaeni also pointed out another possible drawback. “The downside to keeping it private is that you don’t get the special attention some people want or get from pregnancy,” she said.
It is easy to upset family members and friends by keeping a large update from them. “My best friend was just very shocked,” Ms. Flores said. “He got very quiet and said he needs some time to process. He came around once my daughter was born, but it took some time.”
Another downside she experienced by not telling anyone she was pregnant: “I didn’t have a baby shower.”
Many women feel grateful that the pandemic gave them an option. They can now weigh the pros & cons of sharing their pregnancies publicly.
“If I have my choice again, I think I would keep my next pregnancy private,” Ms. Alexander said.
Source: NY Times