Left to Be Found

From The New York Times, I’m Anna Martin. This is Modern Love.

On today’s show, we’ve got two stories about adoption — one from the perspective of a mother and the other from the perspective of a daughter. The first story began over 60 years ago, with a baby and an old note. It’s called “Left to Be Found.”

I’m Yvonne Liu, and this is my Tiny Love Story:

“She left me on a busy Hong Kong stairwell, not to die but to be found. It would take me decades to receive her sole message. Until then, I knew her as ‘a prostitute, uneducated, uncaring.’

At least, that’s what my adoptive American mother said, ashamed and angry about her infertility. To learn the truth, it seemed, I’d have to be dying. The night before my breast cancer surgery at age 30, my adoptive mother finally showed me my biological mother’s words, notable for their elegant, intelligent Chinese script:

‘Never forget me. I will never forget you.’”

Yvonne, thank-you so much for sharing this.

Anna, thank you so very much for having me.

What was the story about your adoption that you heard growing up?

I knew I was adopted from an early age, but I didn’t know any details or back stories. I knew that I was born and raised in Hong Kong. Three black and white photos are on the first page in my photo album. My mom said, “See, because of these photographs, I chose you.”

What did your adoptive mom say that drew her to these photos of you?

She never explained what made those photos her choice for me. My father and she believed in a lot of cultural shame, and adoption was something that should be kept secret. It’s shameful. And it’s because Confucius and his followers said a woman’s role in life is to bear sons, to bear children. The fact that she couldn’t was humiliating and shameful.

So your adoptive parents were also Chinese

Yes, they’re Chinese American.

Please tell me more about why they chose to adopt.

Well, I think they believed that the American dream was to have a nice family life, to have two children — hopefully a boy and a girl — and to appear to the outside that you were a normal, happy family. Also, you have to kind of remember culturally — and also, there are very few male children of Chinese descent who are available for adoption, because in China it’s not unheard of that if there was a boy out of wedlock, someone else in the family would claim it as their own.

And in what year were your children adopted, Yvonne.

I arrived in New York on June 16, 1961.

Did you ask your adoptive parents many questions about your birth mom?

Unfortunately, my mother was diagnosed as a paranoid borderline-narcissist. This type of person requires your loyalty to be 100 percent. Every woman becomes a rival. She was the only woman I could love. It was very obvious.

And then when she was mad, she would say, oh, I guess you’ll be a prostitute like your mother. When my parents argued, my dad called her a prostitute. I felt so ashamed and rejected.

How did your adoption story and that of your birth mom shape your understanding?

Well, because one’s identity is so much related — when you’re growing up, you look into a mother’s face, and you want to see someone who loves you. Since I lost that first person who I believe loved me — and then unfortunately because of my mother, her mental illness, number 1. Then there were two. This traditional Chinese, Asian-American mentality, I believe, prevented her from being a good mom.

So I would have to soothe and comfort her, and tell her things like, oh, mom, you are a good writer, you’ll be successful, don’t give up, things like that. She was a very narcissist. My entire MO is basically to do everything I can to get rid of this home. It was dysfunctional. There was fighting. There was domestic violence.

My brother was doing a deep clean during the pandemic. And he found a file that was labeled Yvonne’s adoption. He gave it to me. I paused, not knowing what I would find, what I would read, or what I would finally learn about my beginning.

This file was kept by your parents for your entire life.

They kept it from my, just like they kept many, many other things. It was so fascinating to read all the documents. One person said she was a beautiful girl and very delicate. She needs a loving home. It’s questionable whether that was a good home, but I am very thankful that I was adopted by them, because otherwise, my life would have been much different.

What was it like to see the note your birth mother wrote?

It was almost like she loved me. She did love me. She loved me and gave me up in her love. And I also think, she said she will never forget me, so maybe she might listen to this and know that I’m out here. I’ve never forgotten her.

Have you ever tried to find your birth mother?

At this point, because it’s been such a journey of uncovering, finding this file, talking to other adoptees, which I never did before — I started researching my own — one part of me, of course, would love to see her face, to hug her. Part of me believes that I do not have the right to interfere with her life.

Evidently, she had to give up me for a reason. Either she was just so, so poor, and/or the society was such, that she gave me up if she had a child out of wedlock, or if I was the second or third daughter. But I’m comforted that she left me in a busy place. She didn’t put me out on a road. She didn’t put me in some garbage dump.

One thing is for certain: after this pandemic, i am going to Hong Kong to visit that street. The orphanage named my street after me. So, I wonder how many children in the world were named after the abandoned location? Yeung Choi Sai was my first name. It’s the name of a street.

And that’s the street where your birth mom left you?

Yes.

Wow. Wow.

In terms of the relationship with my mother, my parents, it didn’t change, because we never spoke of it again. It was never mentioned or brought up again.

To this day, you still haven’t talked about it again?

My adoptive mom died 10 years ago. This April will mark her 10th year anniversary. She would have turned 100 in May.

Wow.

I’m going to visit her grave, and I’m going to thank her. Thank you for giving me hope and love for my birthmother, and for choosing me. She wasn’t perfect. No mother is perfect. But I’m still thankful and grateful.

Yvonne, thank-you so much for sharing your story today.

You’re very welcome, Anna. It’s been a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

After the break, another adoption story, this one told by a mother.

Hi. I’m Lynn Domina, and I’m coming to you from Marquette, Michigan. Here’s my Tiny Love Story:

“Amy was a spunky 8-year-old. She lived with our older friends, but she would soon move to another foster care home as our friends were too ill to care for her.

I was no one’s idea of maternal, and I had never thought of raising children, but Amy wanted a family.

I told my wife, ‘I want to adopt Amy.’ We filled out paperwork, readied a bedroom, and waited. After a judge’s OK, we loaded Amy’s clothes, crayons and copies of ‘Harry Potter’ into our SUV.

It’s been 17 years.

I’m still no one’s idea of maternal, but I’m lucky to be Amy’s mother.”

When I say I’m no one’s idea of maternal, what I mean is what really drives me, what has driven me for much of my life, is really my professional identity. Writing, teaching, and being a professor have given me a lot. I have many friends whose lives would have really been diminished if they hadn’t been able to become parents, and I never felt that.

I had nieces as well as nephews. I was happy to have had children in my family, but I also enjoyed the freedom to travel whenever I chose. I could eat popcorn and brownies for dinner if I wanted. I didn’t have to get up in the morning to ensure that an eight-year-old was brushing her teeth and getting on the school bus, you know?

So I had a lot to be proud of. It took me meeting this child to realize that I was willing to give up all of my freedom for the sake of someone else. She wanted a family. She wanted to be a mother. My heart broke. I couldn’t bear the thought of her not having a family.

So I said to my wife, “I want Amy to adopt me.” She was shocked. My friends were all shocked. But I knew that I wanted to. It was one such thing. I just knew. It was like a calling. This was what I wanted to do.

Amy was energetic when I met her. She had many interests. She was obsessed with “Harry Potter.” And she was absolutely convinced that when she turned 11 years old, she was going to get that letter delivered by an owl. She would do things like crawl up the stairs and say, “I’m galumphing up the stairs.” And she was just a really interesting kid.

When I was adopting Amy, I used to go to her house often. One day, as I was basically babysitting her at the time, she sat down beside me on the couch. And she said, I think you’d be a good mother. I asked her, “Do you think I should have children?” She said, “No, you know what she means.”

And so I couldn’t lie to her, but I wanted to be cautious. And I said, well, I’ll tell you what. I have asked to be able to adopt you, but I don’t know if the judge is going to say yes yet. I think she felt more relaxed knowing that there was a chance that something good might happen to her.

It’s actually Amy’s birthday tomorrow, and she will turn 28. It’s amazing. She is still eight years old to me. It seems so simple to adopt her now that I think back. And when I think it’s been 20 years, it’s astonishing.

We have lunch together about once a month so I still get the chance to see her. It makes my heart jump to see her. And I expect I’ll always feel that way. I hope I’ll always feel that way.

Amy recently graduated with a degree from Northern Michigan University in Anthropology. Lynn says that Amy and her wife are extremely proud.

Next week on Modern Love, I’m going to introduce you to someone who may be the best babysitter in New York City.

Hans Buetow and Julia Botero produced our show. It’s edited by Sara Sarasohn. Dan Powell mixed this episode. Dan Powell also composed the Modern Love theme music and original music for this episode.

Digital production by Mahimachablani. Daniel Jones is the editor of Modern Love. Modern Love Projects is edited by Miya Lee. I’m Anna Martin. Thank you for listening.