How To Use Dating Apps in Your 30s, According to Experts

One of the most frustrating things about dating as you grow older is the belief that the number of people in your area is shrinking. Hinge users are over 30 in real life. You can use dating apps at any age with success, but you need to be mindful of how they are used. It’s easy to download a couple apps, add a few pictures, answer some prompts, and start swiping away. This is more or less like throwing pasta at a wall to see if the spaghetti sticks.

Tennesha Wood, dating coach, founder of The Broom List (a matchmaking agency for Black professionals), shared her tips on how to use dating apps in a mindful and effective manner. When working with her matchmaking clients, Wood is specific about only matching people who are college-educated, 28 years or older, and ready for a long-term relationship or marriage—and she is an expert in determining that readiness.

Why dating in your 30s is actually better

When I asked Wood the reasoning behind The Broom List’s age parameters, she explained that “the human brain doesn’t actually finish fully developing until around age 26 or 27,” so “prior to that, you’re thinking more with the emotional part of your brain than the logical part of your brain.” Anyone else’s 20s starting to make a lot more sense to them?

“You’re also getting to the point, if you’re not already there, where you’re getting really comfortable with who you are,” Wood said. Wood explained that by the end of your 30s you should have a better understanding of yourself and what you want from a partner. This, according to my semi-biased opinion is what makes dating in your thirties more enjoyable than in your 20s.

OK, so how do we make sure we’re dating well and not just dating to date?

1. Be clear about your goals 

“You don’t have to want a specific thing because you are in your 30s,” Wood said. “But you should be clear on a dating app about what you want.”It doesn’t matter what you want. You have to understand it and then you must enforce it. You cannot make a mistake if you’re using a dating app in a deliberate way.

In the past, I’ve shied away from the “I’m looking for…” prompt, but Wood recommended putting what you want directly on your profile. “Don’t be ashamed about wanting a relationship, and don’t be ashamed about not wanting one,” Wood said. The right person won’t be scared away by the fact that you are looking for a relationship, just like the right person won’t be scared away if you are looking for just a friendship, something casual, or just sex. Dating apps are full of ambiguity, so it won’t surprise you how refreshing some directness can be. “The last thing you want to do is go on a date, like them, and then learn that you want two different things,” Wood said.

2. Make plans!

Wood also sees a lot of people get stuck in the “penpal” stage on dating apps (BRB while I reply to my list of Hinge penpals), and her recommendation here is to “not sit still.” She said you can “move back” by ending a conversation and unmatching a person or “move forward” by planning a date, but if you sit still in the talking phase for too long, this person will effectively become a penpal, and the relationship will not progress. She explained that there “isn’t always a sense of urgency to get off the app and meet in person” and “there is a level of ambiguity that inherently comes with virtual dating.” To combat this, create that sense of urgency. Wood believes that “all conversations should lead to meeting in person”

Don’t be afraid to give a little push and tell the person you want to get off the app and on a date. If they don’t go for it? Don’t be afraid to end the conversation. There will always be someone else willing to move on.

3. Don’t be afraid to date multiple people at once

Another problem with dating apps is the possibility to have multiple conversations or dates at once. Wood said while it, of course, depends on what you are looking for, “dating is about having a good time and growing.” So if you are in early stages with a few people on an app, as long as you are honest about it, there is no harm in getting to know multiple people before you become exclusive with one of them (if that is the goal).

Wood’s best advice here is to always “understand what your reasons are” for keeping someone in your life. “There is no point in keeping someone around just to keep them around,” she said. “As things become more serious, the people who aren’t wanting the same things should naturally fall off.” If you still aren’t sure, Wood gave the reminder that “anybody that you are dating should be enriching you in some sort of way.”

Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed or burned out with online dating, just remember it all comes down to being clear about what you want, holding people to those standards, and getting off the app to meet IRL.