As we move through our 20s/30s, it becomes apparent how easy it is for us to end up at a different stage in our lives than our friends. There are real things—big things—that can separate us from each other, like deciding where to live, committing to graduate school, investing in our careers, settling down, and even starting a family. There’s less time to spend with friends, other relationships might take priority, and it can start to feel like we have less in common than we used to and are outgrowing friendships. And while being in a different stage from our friends can be tough for so many reasons, it doesn’t have to signal the end of our friendship.
Here’s how to maintain friendships when you feel like you’re in different places:
1. Remember what brought them together
It is obvious that remembering why you became close friends in the first instance will make your friendship last. Talking about the history you have together, like your inside jokes and past experiences, can help you feel close when you’re in different places and might not be able to see each other as often as you’d like. That’s why finding opportunities to reminisce, laugh, and even cringe about old stories and memories is so important!
2. Make time to make new memories
It’s always fun to remember the past, but any relationship, including a friendship, won’t last unless you set aside time to make new memories. Trying out a new hobby or activity together is a great way to stay up-to-date on each other’s lives while getting in some much-needed leisure time. Being spontaneous probably won’t work as well as it used to, so planning ahead helps make sure that your time together doesn’t get sidelined by other commitments or responsibilities.
Be vulnerable. Talk about your struggles and celebrate your successes. Share your hopes and dreams for the future. Authenticity can bridge the gap between your different circumstances in life.
Of course, making new memories isn’t just about doing things together, although that certainly helps. It’s also about having meaningful conversations that bring you closer together. Social media definitely makes it easier to stay in touch (especially when you can’t be there in person), but it also makes it harder to have real conversations and is not always a substitute for quality time.
Regardless of whether you’re able to catch up in person or over the phone, focus on having conversations about what’s really going on in your life. Be vulnerable. Talk about your challenges, celebrate your successes, share your hopes and dreams for the future. This type of authenticity will help to understand and bridge the differences between your life experiences.
3. Label your limits
Finding time to connect isn’t the only issue. There are plenty of other obstacles that make it difficult to maintain a friendship when you’re in different life stages. Perhaps one of you has children to manage, while the other must balance work and travel. It’s also more than likely that finances will influence the kinds of activities you’re able to do together or even how often you’re able to see each other.
While it helps to be accommodating and flexible, it’s equally important to be upfront about how much you’re realistically able to bend and to be realistic about what you can expect from your friend. Not only is this the starting point for finding solutions or compromises (like outings that are less expensive), it helps avoid misunderstandings or conflicts (like a friend assuming you don’t want to see them when you turn down dinner plans because finances are tight). It also never hurts to take initiative and suggest an idea or alternative that takes your friend’s situation into account. This type of thoughtfulness is often greatly appreciated, especially if one of you earns more or less than the other.
4. Be prepared to be amazed
When you’re in different life stages, it’s really common to make assumptions about what the other person is going through. Our assumptions are often wrong. They can also prevent us from addressing situations and cause more distance between friends. Imagine a friend who is prone to talking about her children whenever they get together. And as much as you love her babies, you find it difficult to get a word in edgewise (and there’s only so much you can contribute on the topics of diaper genies or preschool waitlists). You might worry that she’ll be upset if you (gently) bring up your desire to talk about something (or anything) else. She might be. She might be happy to share about your recent vacation and enjoy a little escape. Instead of jumping to conclusions, keep assumptions in check (and check-in with your friends when you’re not totally sure where they stand).
5. Avoid social comparisons
We’ve all compared ourselves to our friends from time to time. But when you’re in a different life stage, it’s possible to get carried away with trying to determine who is doing “better” or who seems further ahead. This is especially true when you’re the friend who feels behind. Although it can be toxic and uncomfortable, jealousy is normal.
However, getting caught up in social comparisons can get in the way of your friendship and take away from the life stage you’re actually going through. Instead of dwelling on all the negative aspects of your life or being too critical of yourself, remember that everyone has their ups and downs. Even close friends don’t know what someone is going through. And you don’t know how challenging an experience (even a positive or welcome one) can be until you’ve gone through it yourself.
Instead of being self-critical or noticing the things you are missing, remember that everyone experiences ups as well as downs. Even close friends, you never know what someone is going through.
6. Change your perspective
If you’re feeling upset about how hard it is to keep a friendship going when you’re in different places, it can help to focus on the advantages of your current life stage. You can feel grateful for the value of a dollar and the flexibility to do what your heart desires.
You can also adjust your perception of the situation. This can be a difficult process, but it can also give you a glimpse into a different stage of your life. Whether you’re thinking about moving in with your partner, getting married, accepting a promotion, or having a child, watching a friend go through a similar experience can sometimes help you decide whether it’s something you’re ready for.
7. Make new friends and keep the ones you already have!
Ultimately, it’s really common and (even expected) that friendships will change or drift as we go through transitions in life. And so in addition to adjusting the terms of your old friendship (like what you talk about or the kinds of activities you’re able do together), you might decide to branch out and make new friends who are in a similar stage as you (like single friends, new mom friends, or work friends). Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to give up on your old friendships! It also doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong or that you’re being a “bad” friend.
Staying friends when you’re in different life stages or reach milestones at different times isn’t easy. That’s why there’s something really special about those long-term friendships that last with the help of a little renegotiating and a lot of patience and understanding!
Source: The Every Girl
