Overcoming the fear and conditioning to start initiating sex more often takes time, but you can become a master initiator, leaving behind old thought patterns that don’t serve you any longer. Here are two methods to help you initiate sex and feel good.
1. The Redirect
Say you approach your partner for some sexy time, and they aren’t in the mood. You can:
- Take it personally, then pressure or pout at them.
- Say “okay”, kiss them on the cheek and go masturbate and enjoy your own orgasm and go about your day, no harm, no foul.
- Ask for a raincheck.
- You can check in to determine if your partner is open to intimacy, but not intercourse. Then you can take action.
What are you doing? You win if you answer confidently anything other than 1. If you hesitantly answered 2-4 and chose it because it’s the logical answer compared to 1, which seemed childish and manipulative, but you’ve done that before and hope to not do it again but it’s hard in the moment to be mature sometimes… Stop! We’ve been there.
Deep breath, here’s something to consider: Both of you are unique sexual beings.Each person has their own needs and wants. Sometimes you can sex only, other times you can sex with your partner. Only you are responsible to your own orgasm. Recognize and embrace this.
The thing is, no matter how horny our lover is, there will be times that we want sex, and they don’t…and that’s okay. If they have been the initiator, they have certainly been turned down or redirected before by you, so remember – this is a two-way street!
Learning to simply let go and masturbate, ask for a raincheck, and/or see if there’s something besides intercourse they’d like to do, takes practice if you’ve never approached their “no” that way. Over time, you’ll notice the feelings of rejection subside as you get those rainchecks fulfilled, you enjoy your own orgasms, or you enjoy a little mutual masturbation or kissing session rather than having penetrative intercourse. “No” can become a “not now” or a “what about -fill in the blank- instead”. Our minds like “yes and” or “no but” way better than “no,” but sometimes it’s all about our mind choosing to process it in a positive way (“yes and” or “no but” rather than “no”). Talk to your partner about how you can both redirect when you’re not in the mood.
2. Sometimes You Must “Pop The Clutch”
That may be an old reference. To anyone who’s driven a manual transmission car, though, you know that if your battery dies, if you can get the car in motion, down a slight hill for instance, you can pop the clutch and start the engine. Well, vulva owners’ sexual response cycles are sort of like that.
Studies have shown that penis owners and vulva owners often flip the first two phases of the sexual reaction cycle. This means that penis owners are more responsive and vulva owners more spontaneous in their sexual arousal. Or, put another way, vulva-owners are more reactive than penis-owners and get turned on after sexual activity begins. Penis owners, on the other hand, get turned on before it starts.
For this reason, I recommend that vulva owners try initiating even when they have the quick thought of “eh, I’m not turned on right now.” There are times where you may find after you make out, cuddle and smell them, or they touch you in that one spot, you’re ready for action! Consider how this can help to balance the sexual equity of your relationship. You will appreciate their reciprocity if they approach them more often. They will feel appreciated and wanted. You are the one who initiated them. Watch how initiating can make you feel closer to your partner.
I recommend that you give yourself the space to have all kinds of physical intimacy. It is possible to have a short kiss and then go about your day. You can also have an oral session, or mutually masturbate, and then go about your day. Sex isn’t just about penetrative intercourse – these moments of intimacy matter for couples and should be an integral part of your sexual connection to keep your sexual batteries charged.
Kristen Thomas is a sex coach and clinical sexologist. She also owns Open the Doors Coaching. As a relationship, dating, and sex coach, she helps people to nurture their love lives. Follow Kristen via TikTok and Instagram. Need help with your sex life and relationship? Are you looking for dating sites? Email her at Kristen@openthedoorscoaching.com.
References: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-015-0611-4
This article was published in Smile Makers for the first time.
Source: Her World
