Are you worried that working from home is causing a strain in your marriage? You’re hardly alone. According to an article The Straits TimesPublished May 20, 211, a study by four researchers at The Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy (National University of Singapore) found that women were less satisfied in their marriages after and during the circuit breaker.
It’s not surprising, it seems. It’s true that being around someone 24 hours a day, no matter how much they love you, can lead to more conflict. What are the most common disagreements faced by couples working remotely? Does this mean that divorce rates are rising? What about WFH? Has it strengthened marriages instead of causing them to fall apart?
It’s all about communication
One researcher from the study suggested that the reason for the decline in marital satisfaction could be that women had to take on more household responsibilities. The data that supports this suggestion is available here. Her World According to the data collected, they seem to agree. The What Women Want survey, which we conducted in late 2020 and surveyed over 3,000 women in Singapore in total, found that 59% of married respondents preferred to spend more time doing household chores.
But is this the root cause? Not quite. It turns out that an unfair distribution of housework can be a sign of a larger problem.
“It’s typically contempt or defensiveness in communication patterns,” says Jean XM Chen, a psychotherapist and director at Relationship Matters.
“An unfair household load puts extra stress on the existing cracks of a relationship. If there are positive communication patterns, such as mutual appreciation or comfort, the ‘unfairness’ may not cause rifts.”
She says that because couples who work remotely need to work together more closely, there may be more triggers for conflict if there is already negative communication. As a result, spouses can take responsibility for everything, such as not keeping the sound level down, not ordering food on time, or not helping their children with homework.
Jean’s take on the lack of communication between couples working from home together is echoed by Winifred Ling, a couples therapist and relationship coach at Promises Healthcare.
“When women perceive that there is an unfair load in the care of the family, they may start to feel more resentful and dissatisfied. But their partners may not notice that they are struggling if they struggle to ask for help,” she says. She says that WFH has seen an increase of cases by between 30 and 35 percent since becoming the default.
She also adds that tensions can arise when couples aren’t intentional about spending quality time together.
“Unless they are intentional about carving out time to connect with each other, being in the same space 24/7 doesn’t mean that they are engaging meaningfully. In fact, they can feel more lonely than before, as there isn’t a deeper connection, though they are in the same confines.”
A lower divorce rate
The Covid-19 pandemic caused more women to feel unhappy in their marriages. However the divorce rate for 2020 was the lowest since 2006.
In another The Straits Times article published in July 2021, lawyers interviewed attributed the sharp fall to the economic slump – they explained that couples did not want to end up in a worse financial situation as a result of splitting their assets.
“Yes, it is possible. Being financially able to provide for oneself and the children is one of the important considerations to have before deciding on a divorce,” says Jean.
Winifred agrees: “With the pandemic, there are greater uncertainties and some couples may decide to keep the situation to the status quo in order to maintain some stability for themselves, as well as for their children.
“That said, I have worked with women who decided to go ahead with a divorce in 2020, and these are usually ones who have some level of financial independence.”
Women are happier in their marriages today than they were before lower marital satisfaction became the norm.
“Yes. I saw several couples who used to fight because one person wasn’t spending time at home very much, but with WFH, they got to spend almost all their time together, which helped them to build trust,” says Winifred.
“Their relationships were also strengthened because they could see what their spouse was doing the whole day, so they had more admiration for their partners when they discovered the load they were shouldering. By and large, these couples feel that they are good teammates, and can see the effort that each person puts in to make things work at home.”
WFH can help to save marriages, but it can also kill them. How a couple handles the challenges of working at home together will depend on how serious they are about making it a success.
Have you had a bad marriage because of WFH. Winifred shares tips for couples who are in “reasonably healthy” relationships, but have a tough time adapting to the new norm together.
Source: Her World
